A part of me is somewhat glad that ole 45 is president. I know that ’s a pretty shocking comment (especially coming from me). I’m glad he is president because now we have to acknowledge racism in America. I’m also glad that we had people use their smartphones to record police brutality because now we have a clear picture of blatant discrimination and police criminal activities. For the record, I don’t hate anyone because of their race. I hate racist people though. Whether they are black, white, blue or pink. I also hate pedophiles and people who abuse the elderly, women, or children. And yes, I know I’m a Christian and we are not supposed to hate ANYONE. But I have learned to accept myself exactly how I am and to still reach toward who I want to be. Why? Because I am BECOMING. I am not who I was before. My mother’s death changed me. My disability changed me.
At first it was extremely hard, I did not know how I could exist in a world that my mom was no longer a part of. People were leaning on me for support but I had no one to lean on. And the people who I was closest to before are people I barely talk to now. If we do talk, it’s like we are not even family anymore. It’s like I’m talking to a stranger. I was always there for the people I loved so I assumed they would be there for me. But as we know, what do we do when we assume? We make an ass out of you and me. I became very depressed and had to talk to a professional. I had to because I couldn’t do it alone. Let me explain. I had a car accident in November(totaled my new car) while driving in Durham with my oldest daughter Chardonnay and my oldest grandson Garrick. My mom dies the next month. Then the following month I get up to walk but cannot. My older daughter moves in to help me. I can no longer work at my job. Everyone thinks Im lying about my disability but then has to recant after the MRI results come in. No cartilage in my left knee it says, where it went nobody knows. So I can’t walk, can’t work and have to rely on Chardonnay to help me. She has her own challenges, one being my grandson Garrick who is autistic. And she also has a toddler my grandson Dakota. She helps as much as she can but the inevitable happens because we are so much alike. We clash, she moves out. And now I have to fend for myself and my youngest Asira. The people I once helped are no where to be seen. I had therapy sessions and physical therapy appointments and steroid shots in my knee on a regular basis. I became withdrawn and slightly reclusive. And the constant pain I am in has caused my blood pressure to rise which in turn messes up my heart condition. Fun times! It’s a weird thing to one day not be able to walk like you used to. So many things you took for granted you no longer do. What used to take me a few hours to do I now spread it out over a few days. And to make matters worse I am constantly being told I don’t look like there is anything wrong with me. I had an employee of a supermarket jokingly tell me to stop pretending as I used a motorized wheel chair.
Trying to get a job in the field I once worked in was extremely hard in NC. I had to take all these tests just to try to get a job as a receptionist. Let’s be clear. Tests to see if I can answer a phone properly. My job history is this: I was an assistant executive director, a property manager, an office manager, a help desk technician, an admissions coordinator, a telemarketer and a receptionist but I needed to be tested to answer a phone. I am degreed but I needed to be tested to answer a phone. And to be tested on the duties I would not even need to do. North Carolina has no shortage on blue collar, labor intensive jobs but if you are from the North and are looking for a white collar job, that’s a totally different story. This is my opinion and my reality. The majority of the white collar jobs were occupied by white southern people. So I decided to leave the state of North Carolina because “I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.” – Dr. Angela Davis.
What are the things I cannot accept? I cannot accept living and paying taxes in a state that practices job discrimination. I cannot accept having to depend on others for my financial needs or any needs for that matter. I cannot accept working for companies that do not care about their employees. I cannot accept pretending to have a relationship with family just to not hurt their feelings. I cannot accept pretending that the world is not morally decrepit and is still practicing systemic racism. I cannot accept not being financially independent for me and my children’s(and grandchildren) sake. So if I seem different to everyone, it’s because I am. No one who experiences traumatic life events remains unchanged. If someone you love dies suddenly, it will change you. If you have a change in ability, it will change you. The world was bright and sunny before but now I have to fight to see that. The way I try to stay true to who I was, who I am and are becoming is this. I have to accept that not everyone is the same, everything worth value takes time, and I still have happiness in my life because I have my children, grandchildren and the people who truly love me. So I’m also glad I have these difficulties because it’s showing me who I am (becoming).
Peace and Blessings,
“If you wish to move mountains tomorrow, you must start by lifting stones today”
This blog is used to inform and uplift the human spirit. Therefore there will be only positive interactions. There will be NO: cursing, shaming, or using God’s Word to make others feel bad about themselves or their circumstances. We have to love God and each other. It is His commandment to us!
Matthew 22:37-39 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Music: ‘As long as we remember’ by Grégoire Lourme